His Butler, Haunted

(Scene opens to show CIEL PHANTOMHIVE writing at his desk; he looks up at the closed door at a steadily loudening voice yelling incoherently; SEBASTIAN MICHAELIS enters carrying FANGIRL05 over his shoulder; she is struggling in his grip; he doesn't seem to notice)

FANGIRL: *clearly furious* ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME I SAID *she starts to beat both her fists against his shoulder* PUT ME DOWN!!

*SEBASTIAN drops FANGIRL onto her stomach wordlessly and doesn't bother to look at her; she moans in pain for a second, then lifts her head and narrows her eyes at him*

FANGIRL: You suck. *she stands quickly and readjusts her clothes*

SEBASTIAN: I caught this *tilts his head toward FANGIRL* skulking around your manor, young master.

FANGIRL: *points at SEBASTIAN, angry again* DON'T CALL ME "THIS"!! THAT'S WHAT WILL CALLS GRELL WHEN HE FAILS BEYOND HUMAN MEASURE!! *she crosses her arms and hunches her shoulders, pouting unhappily* And don't say I was skulking. I hate that word. It sounds ugly.

SEBASTIAN: *smirks* Well, then it fits you perfectly.

FANGIRL: *glares up at Sebastian* Bite me!

SEBASTIAN: You'd like that, wouldn't you?

FANGIRL: *disgusted* Pervert!

SEBASTIAN: *raises his eyebrow, smug* This from the girl that wants me to have sex with a thirteen - year - old boy?

CIEL: AHEM!! *he glowers at FANGIRL, who finally seems to notice him* What are you doing here in the first place?

FANGIRL: What's it look like? *she beams brightly and spreads her arms wide* I'm on vacation!

CIEL: Why here of all places?

FANGIRL: *shrugs* Because; *she ducks behind SEBASTIAN and reappears in a small armoire* It's Halloween night- *she ducks back into the armoire and reappears in CIEL's top right desk drawer; he jumps back, startled* I had no place to be- *she ducks back into the drawer; she lifts the visor on a suit of armor; she smiles* And what better place to spend Halloween night- *she lowers the visor and pops out of the top of SEBASTIAN's shirt, grinning widely* Than a nineteenth - century Victorian mansion with a real live demon running around?! *points at the demon in question*

SEBASTIAN: *shocked and appalled* How did you get in there?!

FANGIRL: *slightly contemptuous* Oh, who hasn't been in here? *she cranes her head forward* Oh no wait a minute; *she leans back, smiling sarcastically at SEBASTIAN* I came up through the wrong article of clothing.

*SEBASTIAN is not amused by FANGIRL's off - color joke; he grabs the top of her hair and pulls her out of his shirt; he then throws her against the side of CiIEL's desk and crossly starts to re - button his shirt; FANGIRL is stunned for a second before turning around and folding her hands on CIEL's desk in a gesture of pleading*

FANGIRL: *begging shamelessly* C'mon Ciel, lemme stay! *she perks up slightly* Just lock me in the library all night, you won't even know I'm here! PLEASE?! You paid for a foreign prostitute's gravestone, you must have enough goodness in you heart for thi-

CIEL: *has had more than enough* ALL RIGHT! You can stay here for tonight! *he turns back to his work* Sebastian, show her where the library is.

FANGIRL: YAY! *hugs CIEL tightly around his neck* Let's go, hell - slut! *she grabs SEBASTIAN's arm and pulls him out the door*

...

(SEBASTIAN and FANGIRL walk wordlessly down a hallway; SEBASTIAN does not look happy about his companion; FANGIRL skips merrily at his side)

FANGIRL: *spins around once* This is so cool! I get to see the inside of a rich Englishman's library! My lifelong dream of the day is complete!

SEBASTIAN: *raises his eyebrow* 'Lifelong dream of the day'?

FANGIRL: *stops skipping* What? I'm horrendously indecisive! *thinks for a minute, then looks away from SEBASTIAN and pouts* Don't question my dialect.

SEBASTIAN: *rolls his eyes* You remind me so much of Prince Soma.

FANGIRL: *glares at SEBASTIAN* Was that supposed to be an insult?!

SEBASTIAN: *smirks down at FANGIRL* Perhaps.

(FANGIRL growls angrily; steam rises off of her head and shoulders; SEBASTIAN looks very pleased with himself; he blinks suddenly)

SEBASTIAN: Ah! Before I forget... *he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small gray box with a blue ribbon* A gift for you.

FANGIRL: Huh? *she looks surprised, then tilts her head curiously at the box; she opens the box* Ooh... *she lifts a necklace with an opal - and - garnet flower charm out of the box and looks at SEBASTIAN, confused* How come?

SEBASTIAN: *smiles at FANGIRL* Well, it was your birthday, wasn't it?

FANGIRL: *smiles, touched* Aww! *she hugs SEBASTIAN tightly around his shoulders* I love you when you get all nice like this!

SEBASTIAN: *sighs, rolls his eyes* I'll never understand human girls.

FANGIRL: *fastens the necklace around her neck* Me either.

(SEBASTIAN and FANGIRL laugh briefly)

...


(SEBASTIAN opens a door)

SEBASTIAN: The library.

FANGIRL: *rushes past him* Neat! *she stops mid - stride and turns to SEBASTIAN* Hey, can I ask you something?

SEBASTIAN: *slightly annoyed* What?

FANGIRL: Why can't you be nice like that all the time?

SEBASTIAN: Why can't you be reasonable all the time?

FANGIRL: I asked you first!

SEBASTIAN: *sighs, then smirks* I have appearances to keep up. I've already carved out my niche as the cool, competent butler who, as you've often put it, "owns you all".

FANGIRL: And I act unreasonable because you have no idea how much fun it is to piss you off! *she grins; SEBASTIAN does not*

SEBASTIAN: I really am going to lock the door when I leave. Is there anything you'll be needing?

FANGIRL: *points at SEBASTIAN's candelabra* Can I borrow one of those candles? *he hands her one of said candles, which she uses to light another candelabra; she grins and waves* Thanks! See ya in the morning!

(SEBASTIAN shuts the door and locks it from the other side; he lingers a minute to listen in on FANGIRL)

FANGIRL: *from behind the door, delighted* WOW! First edition Charles Dickens! This is worth -

SEBASTIAN: *cutting her off* Don't even think about it.

FANGIRL: *annoyed* Killjoy!

(SEBASTIAN chuckles and leaves her for the night)

...

(FANGIRL05 is stretched out on a dark couch, reading 'The Strange Case of Doctor Jekyll and Mister Hyde'; she closes it after a moment and drums her fingers against it anxiously; she sets it down in her lap and whistles the first verse of Moses' Lullaby; she starts convulsively at a soft thump in the background)

FANGIRL: *frightened and shaking* Wh - who's there?

(Something scurries across the ground behind her; FANGIRL squeaks in terror; she pulls one of the candles out of the holder and blows the others out, brandishing the holders like a weapon in the direction of the noise; a small white kitten walks genially into the light; FANGIRL tilts her head in confusion*

FANGIRL: Eh?

(The kitten appears to be smiling at her; it mews loudly at her; FANGIRL is overcome by it)

FANGIRL: Aww! *she kneels and holds her hand out to it* Where'd you come from, little guy?

(The kitten walks forward and sniffs her fingertips curiously; FANGIRL scoops it up and holds it up to her face)

FANGIRL: Are you one of Sebastian's roommates? *she puts the candelabra down and tucks the kitten into  the crook of her arm* Shame on him, keeping a cute little thing like you locked in that stinky closet of his all day! *she scratches the top of its head* But still, you shouldn't be running around out here. Ciel hates cats, *she lifts it back up to her face* even adorable ones like you. (the kitten sniffs and licks her nose; FANGIRL giggles and lays back on the couch) You wanna keep me company while I read?

(the kitten curls into a ball on her stomach and yawns; FANGIRL is once again smitten)

FANGIRL: Aww! *she reopens her book and strokes the kitten's back; it purrs loudly*

...

(FANGIRL screams out in shock at a loud crashing noise; the kitten arches it back and yowls; FANGIRL takes the candelabra and kitten and walks slowly toward the noise; she blinks in surprise at the pile of table, candlestick, candles and GRELL SUTCLIFFE sprawled across the floor)

GRELL: *clutching his ankle* AUGH! DAMMIT! Y'see, this is why I don't hang out in libraries!

FANGIRL: *surprised and confused* Grell? *he looks up at her, surprised* What are you doing here? *FANGIRL lowers her eyebrows* You scared me!

GRELL: *stands and tests his ankle* I had some business to take care of around here. Will sent me to collect some old guy's soul.

FANGIRL: *worried* Not Tanaka?

GRELL: Nah, he's good for a while. *pouts and crosses his arms* Augh! That guy was so boring! Loved his family, church every Sunday, barely ever even drank! I almost fell asleep watching his cinematic record! *narrows his eyes* Damn Will, sadistic bastard he is.

FANGIRL: *smirks deviously over her shoulder; in a quiet voice* He's probably just jealous that you always run off to flirt with Sebastian.

GRELL: Huh?

FANGIRL: Hmm?

GRELL: I heard "Sebastian".

FANGIRL: I didn't say "Sebastian".

GRELL: *sighs* Ah, Sebastian. My dearest Sebby. *he hugs his shoulders and shakes his hips a little as he speaks* Can't you just see his arms wrapped comfortingly around me as a storm rages all around us?

FANGIRL: *glances to the side in disgust* I'm trying very hard not to. *she lets the kitten down and watches it run off; she looks up after a silent minute and notices GRELL looking at her slyly; she raises her eyebrow suspiciously* Whachu starin' at me for?

GRELL: *raises his eyebrow; there is an air of cunning about him* You and Sebby are on good terms, right?

FANGIRL: *takes a step back* On his good days. Why?

GRELL: 'Cuz I have a proposition in mind that will benefit us both.

FANGIRL: Out of sheer morbid curiosity I'll ask you what the hell you're talking about.

GRELL: I want you *he points* to lure Sebastian away from that brat master of his and into a bedroom with me *he clasps his fingers in delight*!

FANGIRL: *her jaw drops in shock* And why in holy hell would I do that?!

GRELL: Because I can get you *he leans forward and points at FANGIRL's chest* pictures of Knox and Will doing kinky stuff.

(FANGIRL's eyes widen and her face reddens thermometer - style; GRELL smiles smugly at her expression; FANGIRL points at GRELL*

FANGIRL: You drive a hard bargain there, Sutcliffe. *GRELL chuckles once, pleased with himself; FANGIRL frowns at him suddenly* But the answer is still no. *a jet of steam blows out through her nose and her face returns to its original color; she crosses her arms* I'm not just some cheap fandom whore who will sell out her favorite canon couple for crack porn! *she turns her back on GRELL* I will not help you muck up my OTP and that's that! *she starts to walk away from GRELL; he sighs through his teeth*

GRELL: I really didn't wanna hafta do this. *he grabs FANGIRL's arm and pulls her back to look at him; he frowns into her face* Brown is such an ugly color.

FANGIRL: *looks wide - eyed at GRELL* What are you doing? Hey! Stop it! Get away from me! NO! NO!! NOOOOOOO...!

(Screen fades to black)

(End Scene)